69 Reasons Denise Milani Should Marry Me

By Bestdamnselling Author Jack H. H. King
Amazon.com > JHHK

A real marriage proposal, to a real celebrity, from a real bestdamnselling author, written as a real 300-page work of real literature, for the purpose of professing real love, to prove beyond any real doubt that his erection for her is massive and eternal and real.

Coming Soon To Bookstores Everywhere
From St. Martin’s Press

69 Reasons Denise Milani Should Marry Me

1 - Twin Souls - Remember that party that night? We met for the first time and you asked me to spontaneously create an erotic haiku about your cleavage. We were both so drunk, we argued for three hours about the nature of Czechoslovakian syllables. Then everything went silent and within a glance we connected. I was about to tell you my Twin Souls Theory, but you had to leave. You had to pee. And I had to go feed croutons to the squirrel.

2 - Instant Celebrity - Alone, you may be the Queen of Erotica, and I may be the King of Bestdamnsellers, but together we could be Gods. We could rule all Entertainment. We could keep other celebrities as pets. I could hire Christopher Walken to be your personal butler. We’ll just tell him its an independent film, his last chance for an oscar, and he’ll be your fetch-monkey. Salma Hayek can do our laundry. Megan Fox would worship you instead of Angelina Jolie. She would lose the tattoo, and get implants. Can you imagine Megan Fox with massive breasts? We could put her in our foyer, like a plant, and show her off at dinner parties, and all your guests would say, “Oh My... Denise, you have such lovely taste in plants. Having Megan Fox, with massive breasts, posed in that corner, really brings your foyer all together. Does she do any tricks?” And you will say, “No, no. she’s just for decoration.” And then we all will go and eat the fancy soup.

3 - Hollywood Immortality - Just for you, Denise Milani, I will write the greatest novel of all time, with the most powerful female hero of all time, with the most powerful climax of all time, and when Hollywood begs me for the movie rights, I will only sell it to a director who is not lame, and only on the condition you get to play the lead. Then it will be the greatest movie of all time, and you will become immortal. In fact, the novel I’m working on right now has this much potential. If you marry me, you could be in pre-production within eighteen months. And in five hundred years, no one will remember Shakespeare, but all the little boys and girls on Mars will still be talking about your fantastic talents.

4 - Absolute Security - I’m not going to publicly reveal my personal income, because I don’t give a fuck about money and neither do you, but I will say that I make just a little over a hundred million a year, so you won’t have to work if you don’t want to. If you do want to work, I can provide job security. If you want to be a nurse, I’ll buy you more than the outfit, I’ll buy you a hospital. I can provide personal security. If you ever find yourself with a stalker, I can hire a team of ex-navy-seals to ship his sorry ass to Uganda. I can provide health security. I own an entire network of health, fitness, and holistic dance professionals. I can provide beauty security. If you want to look twenty-seven forever, I’ll invest in pharmaceutical research and find the cure for aging. I can provide emotional security. I’ll tell you every day about your pretty places. I’ll snuggle you after ejaculation. I’ll buy you a pair of cute little puppies to affectionately lick your breasts. I can provide spiritual security. If you want to create a charity for poor lost blind Czechoslovakian orphans, I have a checkbook filled with blank checks. If there’s a kind of security you want that I haven’t mentioned, just name it, and its yours. It’s all part of my package.

5 - 50,000sqft Condo - I own the building. Ten floors, and underground parking. Five thousand square feet per floor, each floor with its own purpose. Asian garden. Movie theater. Two-story indoor gymnasium with all equipments. One floor I have set aside to be your own personal 5000sqft sexy outfit and shoe closet. Game room. Living room. Kitchen / dining room. Office / library. Bedroom. Plus, I have a rooftop pool inside a greenhouse where I grow my own organic fruits, vegetables, herbs, and goat.

6 - Flying Limousine - I’ll buy you a flying car for the little traditional wedding trinket. It will seat six, and come with a pilot/driver. A shiny black one. He can take us anywhere we want, vertical take-off and landing, 500mph. A divided cabin, for whenever we want privacy to drink or fuck or watch a movie in the back seats. We could buy villas all over the world, even an island with native pygmy servants. The cute part is, with my writing schedule, I only have to work three hours per day. The rest of the time it’s all sex, baby!

7 - Chef/Photographer - Before I became a bestdamnselling author, I studied cooking at the CIA. I own my own five-star restaurant, and am widely considered one of the top ten best chefs of all time. So it’s like you’ll have your own gourmet cafe in your pocket, with every course perfected to your own personal taste. And since cooking got me into food photography, which got me into artistic photography, I have also taken private lessons with some of the best photographers in the world. And my artistry with a camera almost equals my artistry with a skillet, tongue, or typewriter. So if you want me to make a fresh strawberry coulis, drizzle it over your breasts, and snap a pixley... You will taste sweet and look 100% Hot Hottie. I’ll even lick you clean for free. And that’s a JHHK Guaranty.

8 - Incredible Cock - It’s true. I have a 12” cock. 10” asleep, 12” awake. My cock is in proportion to my body in the same way your breasts are in proportion to yours hotness. I’m 32, 6’7”, 230#, 12% bodyfat. My cock curves to the left, I package it on the right, and I have named him Clive. I can type with my cock. In fact, I make a point of typing the first sentence of all of my novels with my cock, just to set the fucking tone. You may think I speak about my cock excessively, but I can’t help it. It is excessive. It’s the way I was made. When I introduce you to Clive, you should ask him if he does any tricks. Because he does. His favorite is this: For the first time in your life, when you’re really fucking, and you shout “Deeper!” you will know how it feels to have that desire fulfilled.

9 - Breast Sex - It’s the best sex. You know it and I know it. You haven’t had sex with that many guys, but they all disappointed you. When they fucked your tits, you couldn’t see it, and you couldn’t feel it. With me, breast sex will be perfect. I have long arms. When I’m on top of you and I’m fucking your huge lubricated boobs, not only will you be able to see the tip of my cock, you’ll be able to lick it. My fingertips will be teasing your shiny wet clit. This is why all women want to marry authors. Dexterity. Who on earth is going to be better in bed than the guy who works every day with his fingers, the guy whose profession is to stimulate the imagination. When you hear Bestdamnselling Author, think Bestdamnfemaleorgasm Artist. We both know you and I both want for me to fuck your tits and ejaculate on your face while you tremble beneath me. Let’s accept it, respect it, and fucking enjoy it. With my cock and your tits, bliss is unavoidable.

10 - Unstoppable Babies - It’s the nature of the human condition. Guys and girls both like to squirt. Guys pop babyjuice, girls pop babies. I’m not a dumb tool. I don’t fear commitment, I don’t fear family units. You want to spawn the future from your loins, I will impregnate you on demand. I am known for my fertility. You want all girls, I will focus on breasts during the moment of ejaculation, and we’ll have three daughters. You want one lesbian, I will think about lesbian spank orgies while I spew forth my genetics. Can you imagine what our daughters will be like, with your beauty and my genius. They will be unstoppable babies. They will literally redefine cuteness. As adults, they will be world-changers. Seriously, I believe our impressively-breasted hot lesbian scientist will, at an inconceivably young age, unlock the secrets of space-time. Or invent the perfect grape.

11 - True Love - Everyone who knows me, everyone who reads my books, everyone knows I am anchored to truth. It’s what I do. That’s why it’s called Fiction. The fictionist speaks the deeper truth, the blunt truth, the lean and brutal truth, the big cock truth, the fuck-me-fuck-me-fuck-me-hard truth. So if I write, “Denise Milani, you slinky tease, the love we share is true and everlasting.” Then it’s as true as anything you will ever read. Come with me. Drink my wine, take off your panties, pet my squirrel. Let us be marry.

12 - No Prenup - This is a genuine proposal. This isn’t some fake Hollywood stunt, like some c-list celebrity pissing for attention. We get married, there will be no prenup. We get married, we will be together forever, during bad sex, and for good, in wet sex, and dry. There is no fear. This is our time. If you were to travel through space-time to meet every guy who ever lived, past, present, or future, you will find no one more impressive than me, no one more worthy of fucking, no one whose cock you would rather swallow. I don’t care that I speak American and you speak European. Love is 100% physical. It’s our boobs and our balls that define us. Our differences make us whole. I met you at that party that time. I have looked at all of your pics on the internet, paying special attention to the ones with visible nipple. I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level. If you are ready to marry me, and live happily ever after, with lots of sex and babies, you may contact me via my author blog to say, “Yes, yes, God yes!”

cHOW - How To Give A Deep Tissue Massage - With Your Cock


Hotties find deep tissue massages relaxing, pampering and enjoyable. Giving a hottie a massage, with your cock, will help her unwind from a tough day and also relieve stress. Find tight spots in her body and massage them deeply, with your cock, to create within her a sensation of absolute relaxation and pleasure. Giving a deep tissue massage, with your cock, is also a good way for you to release your own tension.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:

* Bed
* Hottie

* Cock

* Cock Oil

(1) Put your naked hottie boobs-up on the bed. Having the room at a nipple-friendly temperature will allow for a relaxing experience.

(2) Focus on your hottie’s tight spots, such as her face, hands, loins, and boob and ass cracks. These parts of her body tend be the tightest and will allow for the greatest sensation of release.

(3) Stand beside your hottie and begin, with your cock. Use thrusting motions to massage the deep tissue in her face.

(4) Work down her body, with your cock, to your hottie’s boobs. Perform an oval-shaped motion, with your cock, around the sides of her boobs. Work from the base of the boobs (where most headaches begin) and make decreasing ovals until you reach her nipples. Slap her nipples gently, with your cock.

(5) Slide down to your hottie’s ass. Grip both of her hips and begin massaging her deep tissue, with your cock. Consider using a bread-kneading motion, like Baker In The Mine Shaft.

(6) Use variety, and work her entire body, with your cock, until the sensation of deep pleasure causes her to tremble and moan. That means it’s working. Continue the massage until you attain visual confirmation of the ultimate release.

(7) Give your hottie a deep tissue massage, with your cock, as many times as you can each day, even if some of them are “quickies.” Because life will always be packed with bullshit. And the only way to attain true harmony is to regularly massage a hottie, with your cock.

Enjoy Perfect Breasts, Courtesy Of The All-Sex Diet


[click one]

Yes, my cock is mighty!
No, my balls are small!
Maybe, but I have only one nut!

Rumor - Megan Fox In Hot Naked Battle Lesbians ?!?

JHHK: My agent tells me the buzz is that Megan Fox wants to buy the lead in Hot Naked Battle Lesbians, and shit is turning bloody.

LETE: Megan Fox is hot.

RP9: Megan Fox is hollow.

LETE: That’s why you want to fuck her.

JHHK: Everyone wants her to do Wonder Woman. But the script is shit.

RP9: Whedon’s cut?

JHHK: His was shiny. That’s why they fired him, and brought in a truckload of assholes to fuck it up. The current shit is worse than Catwoman. To Megan Fox, it’s leverage.

LETE: You wrote Hot Naked Battle Lesbians with an African Princess lead, mid 30s, teenage daughter, infant son, black father, black brother, all key roles, sex and race.

RP9: Is Megan Fox going to go black face, because that would be sweet.

JHHK: She wants everyone turned Greek.

LETE: White.

JHHK: The teenage daughter becomes her sister, the revenge plot holds.

LETE: But.

JHHK: You’re not going to like it.

RP9: She’s taking out all the nudity, to PG-13 the thing?

JHHK: Yes. No. But worse. No Amazon warrior nudity, Soft-R rating. Think Gladiator.

LETE: The acrobatic lesbian sex?

JHHK: The acrobatic lesbian sex. She’s fine with the female hero, female love interest, even the lesbian fuck triangle, but refuses the three lesbian wives. Having positioned herself as an Advocate of Monogamy. One wife, art sex, no nudity, the temptation only.

LETE: She wants to whitewash Amazon warrior culture, because it doesn’t play today?

RP9: Fuck her. She didn’t read the book. Her people did. They’re marketing her. Her geek image is playacting. If she read the novel, she wouldn’t be trying to fuck the base.

JHHK: It gets worse.

LETE: What happened to Halle Berry?

RP9: She got old, she puts it over budget.

JHHK: The option expires in three months.

RP9: They need the Next Halle Berry, 10 years younger, 20 million cheaper.

LETE: The character arc in HNBL is insane. It’s a goddess-maker. The actress gets this, works her craft, she will rule the goddamn world. One movie, she rises above Jolie.

JHHK: Only if Hollywood doesn’t fuck it up, which they do best, and seems inevitable.

RP9: They agreed to Christopher Walken for The Asshole King.

JHHK: That’s true.

RP9: Megan Fox never read Hot Naked Battle Lesbians, the fuck does she care?

JHHK: Scarlett Johanasson.

LETE: Her Amazon warrior movie, the puzzle is almost together?

RP9: First!!!

LETE: Like those AICN talkback retards.

RP9: A little bitch-slapping.

JHHK: The first Amazon warrior movie to market wins the prize, kills the rest.

RP9: Stone’s Alexander The Gay killed all the real Alexanders.

JHHK: The first badass Amazon movie means Eternal Glory for the Warrior Queen.

LETE: Your option expires in three months, you have a contract.

JHHK: I have a contract. Hard-R, black leads, authentic lesbian sex, warrior culture, blood-splattered tits, all the language is locked.

RP9: They’re going to rape your contract.

JHHK: The buzz is Megan Fox wants to push through, to make me sue the studio, then she holds a sit-in, her entertainment capital makes their lawyers forced to crush me, and I’ll piss myself in terror that I’ll never work in Hollywood again.

LETE: The girl has a nutsack.

RP9: Hers is big...

JHHK: Mine is bigger.

RP9: What does yours say?

JHHK: My entertainment attorney says she buys the lead, with any kind of contract connects to Wonder Woman or anything, we sue the studio for a billion dollars.

LETE: And you’ll win, and they know it.

RP9: What would you do with a billion dollars?

JHHK: What’s my catchphrase?

LETE: Fuck The Money, Fuck The Money, I Want Bare Tits And Want Them Bloody!

JHHK: We win, I give the entire billion to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

RP9: So what do we do today?

JHHK: We do nothing. We hope the stupidity falls through. Let the option expire. Thank the gods for intervening on behalf of the audience, so no one has to watch another shit film. And I learn my lesson, and never option the movie rights to Hollywood ever again.

LETE: Some stories are too badass to become movies.

JHHK: The temptation to buy something wicked, and just grind it into shit, is too strong for Hollywood to resist.

RP9: That’s why novels are the only true hardcore entertainment medium.

JHHK: I can fucking get away with anything in a paperback.

LETE: How many fangirls to date have offered to suck your cock?

JHHK: 1179.

RP9: Megan Fox can get the fuck in line.

ASK JHHK # 117 - Pick-Up Lines Are Lame / Gerunding Is Mighty

harryheinie69: Jack, pick-up lines don’t work for me, I need something much more powerful.

JHHK: Thanks for emailing. I hear this a lot. Today’s hottest women are linguistically sophisticated, making the classic pick-up line a dull tool. I would advise you to master the newly-created advanced technique called Gerunding. You can research it in any of the seduction rings online, but here’s the core theory...

Why Gerunds Work Better Than Pick-up Lines

In English, the seductive gerund is identical in form to the present participle and can behave as a speed verb within a seduction clause, while the clause frame as a whole acts as a hard noun within the larger seductive command.


* Gerunding is the best way to get a blowjob in a bookstore bathroom.
* I like gerunding. Please remove your dress.

* Gerunding is fun, because it allows you to enjoy my cock.

* Fuck pick-up lines. Gerunding allows me to crush pussy.

Good luck in the field!
- Jack

9 Safety Rules For Topless Roller Coaster Girls

LBP: You must be this topless to ride the roller coaster.

RP9: You must be this impressively-breasted to ride the roller coaster.

LETE: Make sure you drink enough fluids, because topless rollercoasting is hot.

P-FU: Have your seatbelt positioned appropriately, to hide your goddamn bellyfat.

GG33EE: Never wear flip flops, one will flop off and hit you in the boob, or the boob of the girl next to you. That happened to me and my girlfriend almost lost a nip tip.

ATOD: No riding this shit topless while pregnant, you’ll have too much sag and flop, it will ruin the pics, and you might just knock yourself out.

OBB: The odds of boob decapitation is only one in a billion, so at least try it once.

TW: Practice, your bloodcurling scream, before you arrive, because you don’t want to sound like a teenybopper, or a small marsupial.

JHHK: Practice your wild topless rollercoasting at home tonight during sex with identical enthusiasm if your boyfriend’s name is Jack.


JHHK: My official position, as a Guru of Manliness, is that 1000IU of Vitamin D per day is a good solution for men interested in fucking hot girls. The Sunshine Vitamin reduces anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It increases testicular fortitude, and ballsack elasticity. You can get all the Vitamin D you need by walking around in the sun for ten minutes. You can also take micro-tablets, if you don’t like leaving the bat cave. But if you go the supplement route, keep in mind it takes six weeks for the body to become genuinely badass. When you’re chatting up a hottie, tell her your guru has you experimenting with Vitamin D, and that you’re doing Holistic sex research, on allowing girls to achieve full-body orgasms. Believe me, once you drop the H-bomb on a hottie, she will pair-bond to your cock.

GG33EE: Titsex is cake. I like to make it, but not eat every day. In this case, the ejaculate is warm white-chocolate ganache, which I like squirted on my face. But don’t fuck my boobs rough. I’m still a lady. Boobs are tender, and huge boobs, while padded, are still sensitive, especially during blood week. All of that said, real men deserve titsex, at least once a month. Just use lots of buttercream.

RP9: Jack, I will give you ten dollars if you write a thriller about zombie pornstars who suck out men’s brains through their cock. I will give you fifteen dollars if it has an excessive use of rocket launchers.

P-FU: This is about Harry Potter, correct? What movie are we on, five, seven? I don’t recall. I got confused because Emma Watson, who is like 18 or 19, claims she wants to strip nude for the director who got Liv Tyler and Eva Green hot and naked and hot, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t yet seen her naked (I don’t count the upskirt). My point is, fuck Harry Potter, if I went to go see it, I would just be like, why the fuck is she still not naked? If I wanted to watch a G-rated LOTR rip-off, I would wait for that shit on bluray, because she’s 19 and getting older, and there’s a short goddamn window of opportunity here.

OBB: The Boob Ponders. Should The Boob break the tie? It has been decided. The Boob will flowchart. If science can find a way to put Vitamin D in bacon, then Vitamin D wins. If not, and your girl is impressively breasted (and not lame) then titsex wins. My girl has breasts the size of apricots and I can only lick them on alternate Thursdays. We think Harry Potter is quality disposable entertainment, but I’m going to have to go with Zombies, because the undead is like, John Malkovich, and, yes, John Malkovich can be killed, but he will always turn up, batshit-insane, in movie after movie. Seriously, google “malkovich the truth”, he was born Louis Lumier in Bacon, France, in 1864. He shaved his head and changed his name to Malkovich when he was four. The man eats brains.


Sammy Braddy Voted Best Left Nipple Of 2009

UK kindergarden teacher turned model turned actress, Sammy Braddy, best known for her “shy lesbian” roles in “Picnic,” “My Life As A Swedish American,” and “Wet Nurse 5,” was anointed this week as Best Left Nipple Of 2009, by Breasts Aficionado Magazine.

After a three-month nipple search and taste testing, that included twenty-seven judges and over three thousand hot naked women, Sammy Braddy’s left nipple came up tops.

Then, taking everyone by surprise, her right nipple ranked ninth, which is the first time in competitive history that a single hottie had both nipples score within the top ten.

The full nipple review:

While some tasters found her left nipple “sweet” and “buttery” with “medium body” and a “slight spice at the end,” others deemed it “fruity, with a rare cherry finish,” a “clean, pale balance,” that “bloomed in your mouth.” Overall, said one admirer, it was the one nipple this year “most worthy of a second bite.”

Learn more about nipple taste testings here > BAM!

10 Smooth Tricks To Help Guys Shave A Hot Naked Girl’s Hairy Places

1. The first trick to shaving a hot naked girl is to wet her bare skin and let it soften from heat and moisture. So ejaculate on her face and nipples and all other places you wish to shave, then fuck her in the shower for at least ten minutes.

2. There's no need to waste money on shaving cream, especially for women. Spit or semen work fine. Tell her it’s recommended to use both. Have her kneel in the tub, to soften her leg hair, while giving you a sloppy blowjob. After you pop, she can spit in her palms and rub the saliva-diluted man-fluid all over her armpits and groin beard. If the masturbation makes her wetter, let her smear some vaginal secretion into the slick mix.

3. You are going to have to experiment with razors until you find the perfect cutter. Unless you want her to bleed (maybe she’s been misbehaving) look for a razor with lubricated strips, pivoting heads and spring-mounted blades, because they are badass. The Gillette Venus or Schick Quattro for Women are delicate enough for daily nipple-hair shaving, which will give you the smoothest tits possible for incredible breast-fucking.

4. Be sure to change razors or girlfriends on a regular basis, as a dull blade or girlfriend can lead to less than powerful orgasms.

5. Be sure to exfoliate her skin before shaving. It gets rid of all the shit on her face that could clog up the razor, preventing feminine sleekness. Remember the rhyme, “Girls with stubble, ain’t worth the trouble.” With a bit of jelly, her armpits and kneepits should be as smooth as pussy. Because a man is not a man, until he fucks a hot girl’s armpit in her sleep. (Put her on her side, take her armpit from behind, and pop through to squirt on the slope of her tit. The fluid will slide down to her nipple, then drip-drop on her other nipple, which is ideal because of the symmetry.)

6. Since a naked girl’s crotch beard grows every which way, you'll need to shave every which way in return. If you get dizzy, be prepared with a safe word, that you can speak, to command her to slap you firmly with her breasts, which will help clear your head.

7. When finished, you’re going to have to ejaculate on her again. Obviously, fucking a hot girl three to five times in an hour requires a stamina that few men possess. If you are not manly enough, ask one or more of your friends to fuck your girl for you. Hairless girl skin has few oil glands and a tendency for dryness, thus the need for “moisturizing.” You only need to buy Product, if you don’t have enough in your Balls.

8. Ingrown hairs are caused by a genetic history of inbreeding. If the girl’s genuinely hot, the fucking might be worth it, but, for the sake of humanity, try not to procreate. A holistic way to treat ingrown hairs is by not looking at them

9. If your naked girl has a chronic case of handlebar mustache, there’s not much you can do other than grip her lip-pigtails tight and tug them toward you as you fuck her from behind, while thinking about impaling your cock in Megan Fox’s face or ass.

10. Consider opting for waxing, at least on her legs. You'll find that if she has coarser hair, it won't grow back as fast. And you can save up your extra ejaculate for her face or tits or pussy or pits. Because, to be honest, some girls just aren’t worth the effort. Some girls can be fucked a little, but just aren’t hot enough to be fucked a lot.

Shave ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.


PS. Learn more incredible tricks in my book,

“No One Loves A Fatty:
How To Put Your Woman On A Diet.”

E309: Nintendo Goes Hardcore With Wii Sex Sports

Excerpt from Joystiq interview:

MIYAMOTO: Did you partake of asian hookers?

JOYSTIQ: They were delicious.

MIYAMOTO: Why, instead of blood, we have splattering of cherry blossoms?

JOYSTIQ: Our readers would like to know.

MIYAMOTO: American audiences we find don’t kill prostitutes well. The blowjob minigame. Online leaderboards for giving best facial. Violent tit-fucks. Gagging schoolgirls have been found delightful. Kill a sloppy girl with the hammer, dental floss, bowl of fruit, blood splatters boobs, and testers look away. Japanese gamers have thick ballsacks. Your grandma and next-door toddler have thin ballsacks. Cherry blossoms blown up the ass, tickle sensitive ballsacks, to uncontrollable smile, which is Nintendo goal. America smiles for Hanna Montana to blow her blossoms in true love. Japan smiles for fucking blood-squirt throat hole in Hanna Montana's severed corpse to pull out squirt facial severed head on floor smile for the win! America begs Nintendo for hardcore. But America is grandma with thin ballsack. Invite your readers come like Japan. Play Mario Pimp Stomp Arcade. Level the fuck up. Because one country Hardcore is another country Cat Juggling. Your readers have conditioned to love censorship. We feed you what you eat. You media task Nintendo disappoints America hardcore. No. America hardcore child disappoints Nintendo parent Japan. Why we call you Core gamer, not Hardcore gamer. When your grandma can take hard punch to the ballsack, Nintendo will stop blowing cherry blossoms up your ass. Do not wait for hardcore megaton. Become hardcore megaton. Fuel your rage. America must evolve from within. You must surge. Peer to peer. Become true hardcore revolution.

Hot Naked Battle Lesbians

[click nipple to enlarge]

Learn more about Hot Naked Battle Lesbians...

Bed Bath & Beyond Launches Line Of Lesbian Tablecloths

[click the nipples to enlarge]

I ordered four round lesbian tablecloths last week (black and red) and they just arrived today. I got them for my two hot lesbian couples who inspired my Amazon warrior series “Hot Naked Battle Lesbians.” I got the round ones because apparently hot lesbians only eat at large round tables, because they’re breast-shaped. And I guess “lap napkins” are lesbianese for the sanitary wipes they use to clean up after a full course of loin feasting. I knew Bed Bath & Beyond wanted to increase market-share in the category of lesbian decor, but I didn’t think they’d be this aggressive. All they need to do now is sponsor a few underground pussy-eating contests in the major urban markets and they’ll become a lesbian linen juggernaut.

Sorority Fundraisers Hit Hard By Economy, College Girls Forced To Switch To Topless Bake Sales And Naked Car Washes Just To Survive

Every Tuesday morning, as part of my writing schedule, I spend a few minutes to think about the nature of naked teenage girls. And I want to support my local schools. But the young, dumb, hot naked girls today just aren’t fulfilling their contract with society.

You know those topless bake sale whores didn’t bake the cookies themselves. They just bought cheap shit from the store, put it on a tray, took off their cloths, and stand there, smiling into your wallet, spouting off “sassy” quips like goddamn cockatoos.

And today’s naked car washes are far worse. College girls think they can just make themselves wet and slap their big titties around in your face a few times, and you’ll give them a fifty. When I was in college, and I’m talking eight years ago, topless girls would really soap up, and scrub your windshield with their tits. They would use their pointy nipples to clean the creases. And they prided themselves on their topless services.

So here I am, confronted by the big-titted girls of today, and they all have their mouths open, and I don’t know who to give my hard-earned book royalties to. I don’t want to encourage this slacking of responsibility. What kind of world will that leave for my boys?

But fear not, loyal readers, I’ve generated a solution. To kick today’s naked girls in their increasing fat asses. And I’m counting on you to join me. Help spread word of mouth. From now on, let every hot naked girl know this: If they don’t provide Quality Services and Genuine Enthusiasm with their topless bake sales and naked car washes, I’m just going to just let their nipples chill in the icy west wind.

I will piss away my disposable income on a service that hasn’t lowered their standards in three thousand fucking years. I will invest all of my cash and all of my hope in...

Asian Hookers.

NYCC 09: GTA Chinatown Wars - Blowjob Minigame Screenshots

* To learn how to control women in real life, read the instruction manual.

Why Are Topless Girls Addicted To Peggle?


LONDON (Reuters Health) - Today’s modern young women who have hyper sexual desire disorder (HSDD), an unquenchable sexual desire for cock, have started to balance their frustration by engaging in online and offline puzzle games, according to a new UK sex study.

In fact, the researchers say, one of the most popular puzzle games, Peggle, which involves winding string around erect nipples in a series of increasingly difficult maneuvers, has become so addictive that it’s threatening to drive the World of Warcraft e-sex trade out of business. “Some women play with their nipples all day, usually at work.”

But questions remain about whether “Puzzle Games” or “Casual Games” is a genuine addiction for women or "simply represents an excuse that women use to avoid having sex with men who just don’t know what they’re doing down there,'" says Dr. Andrea K. Piddle, founder of Value of Health, a journal published by the International Society for Sexoeconomics and Vaginal Stimulation Research.

Dr. Piddle recorded three hundred thousand hours of video of young women masturbating while playing Peggle, and has concluded that there’s an easy cure. “If every man in the world would just take a moment to study the ground-breaking research of American author, and Guru of Manliness, JHHK, who created the instruction manual when it come to making hot women come hard, I think puzzle games and all this casual crapware would disappear overnight.”

$2,600,000 Condo-4-Sale In Beerville, WI - 6000sqft - Appliances Included - Topless Girl With Perfect Breasts Negotiable - Hard Wood Guaranteed!

Because everybody’s been eating up Hot Naked Battle Lesbians, I thought I would get a bigger condo. Found this one on realtor.com, and thought I would check it out in person, just to look and touch. The girl in the pics is a professional flipper. She comes with the unit, to blow life into the cock of whoever owns it. Most guys only own it for a year or two before they move on, but the current seller is a pair of lesbian tycoons. I put in an offer of 2.3 million, 12% under list, because of the economy. I don’t know if I’ll get it, but every submitted offer comes with a complimentary blowjob. So even if my first is rejected, I think I’ll counter a few more times, even though I’m looking for something hotter.

Reason #169 Why It’s Good To Be A Bestselling Author - Topless Fangirl E-Mails

Dear JHHK,

Just finished reading “No One Loves A Fatty: How To Put Your Woman On A Diet”! It was fucking hilarious! I even tried out your recipe for Tomato Beef Curry To Increase Nipple Symmetry! Not only was it healthy and delicious, but I think it made my areolas 17% rounder! I enclosed a pic!

Your Topless Fangirl For Life,
Alexandra Lee

PS - When’s book six coming out?

Why Breast-Enhancing Cream Must Be Rubbed In Using Concentric Circles

I can tell you from personal hands-on experience, this cream works on hot women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. Here’s the literature from their website:

Perfect Women Organic Breast Enlarging Essential Cream replicates the natural growth explosion experienced during pregnancy (when used correctly)! Because during pregnancy, pure liquid science occurs in the breast tissue of a woman's body! Yes, the size, shape, fullness, hang, bounce, and taste of women's breasts are set according to the unforgiving mood of the pituitary gland!

Unfortunately, most non-perfect women experience only a short period of CHC (critical hormone circulation) where it counts (the rest sinks to their ankles)! The result is underdeveloped, misshaped, lopsided, sagging, wrinkled, tasteless breasts with egg-shaped nipples that can’t get erect, even when tittled or suckled! And this once-in-a-lifetime hormonal experience determines the absolute attractiveness of a woman, and her self-worth! In fact, this single biological flaw is why 99.999% of women today are too flat to look directly at!

But nature holds the answer! Perfect Women Organic Breast Enlarging Essential Cream, when massaged, by a man, into a pair of almost plump breasts, in decreasing concentric circles, with the occasional light slap or jiggle, enlarges breasts up to 3 full cup sizes within one week! It’s that amazing!

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Economists: Angelina Jolie’s Ass Wanted For Immediate Fornication [Full Report Available In 1080p]

Via lowertheasstax.org

As the global financial meltdown continues, men throughout the world share a single hope: to fornicate Angelina Jolie in the ass. Which many experts think is the only way for men to reclaim peace of mind and wait out the crisis. Research suggests Angelina Jolie’s ass could be attainable with the help of a sixty-nine million dollar government bailout, which would allow men to purchase Angelina Jolie’s ass directly, which they could then tap into for immediate relief. And because all branches of government have long records in favor of fucking women in the ass, insiders project Angelina Jolie’s ass will be made available to all men for immediate fornication as early as December 2nd.

Giada De Laurentiis Sextape Reveals Secret Passion For Oblong Vegetables

Via fuckvegetables.org

I spent hours watching Giada De Laurentiis massaging herbed oils into her breasts while I was researching the All Sex Diet. So I’m glad to see she took a break from her cooking show to do some hardcore pornography. If you’ve never seen a celebrity chef getting her pork butt pounded while she’s deepthroating a zucchini, you’re missing out on one of life’s most elegant desserts.

Halle Berry Claims Raw Nude Sex In Monster’s Ball “69 Times Hotter With The 1080p”

Via hdnipplewatch.org

Excerpt from Halle Berry interview in Italian GQ:

“I don’t usually watch my own movies, much less my own sex scenes, unless I’m giving my husband a blowjob while he’s looping one, and last week I was giving him a sloppy, waiting for the pop, getting bored, so I took a peek at that PS3, and damn, my titties look good with the 1080p. Billy Bob was pounding my ass, yet the nipple clarity in HD was fucking astounding. Sixty-nine times hotter, on the box, but shit. Kiwi, who did my full body make up on this, is getting a raise, cause I didn’t even see one butt pimple. And believe me, you try fucking Billy on camera for three days, my ass was Mars. Red, cracked, littered with sores. But not on Blu-ray. Monster’s Ball now is my best go-to short-cut when I’m exhausted and my husband needs to ejaculate on my face. And if you haven’t seen that, you’re really missing something special.”

Zack And Miri Make A Porno And No One Goes To Watch It Even Though Everyone Wants To See Elizabeth Banks Doing Hardcore Pornography

Via eggshapednipples.org

This just confirms my current theory about America. That all of the guys in America, who know how to read, are exactly like me. Fair weather consumers. I like Elizabeth Banks. I think her nipples are fine, and less egg-shaped than others believe. But she doesn’t excite me. She doesn’t get me off my ass. In fact, the only time I ever pay attention to Elizabeth Banks is when my cock is in her mouth.

Like last weekend, in south Hollywood, when my cock was in her mouth. And, to be honest, when I’m looking to relax, after a hard day, of sitting around all day, and my cock is in Elizabeth Banks’ mouth, and I’m slapping around her tits to make them bounce (which takes fucking concentration if you want to create the correct effect) the last thing I want, while she’s fellating me, is to listen to Kevin Smith tell shit and vomit jokes.

And I like Kevin Smith. I think he’s a fat funny fucker. But it’s hard to laugh out loud, and ejaculate on Elizabeth Banks’ face, at the same time. It, like, violates the laws of thermodynamics, or something. And I, like most of the guys in America, have a pretty healthy respect for the laws of thermodynamics, as illustrated by the weekend box office.

Oh, and, Elizabeth Banks, I know you’re reading this right now, and I know what you’re thinking. But stop thinking it. I enjoyed the time we spent together, with my cock in your mouth. I simply felt compelled, as an average American male, who values breast sex, to blog about the laws of thermodynamics, and to defend your nipples, from those who believe them to be egg-shaped, when they are clearly oval-dicular.