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A real marriage proposal, to a real celebrity, from a real bestdamnselling author, written as a real 300-page work of real literature, for the purpose of professing real love, to prove beyond any real doubt that his erection for her is massive and eternal and real.
Coming Soon To Bookstores Everywhere
From St. Martin’s Press
69 Reasons Denise Milani Should Marry Me
1 - Twin Souls - Remember that party that night? We met for the first time and you asked me to spontaneously create an erotic haiku about your cleavage. We were both so drunk, we argued for three hours about the nature of Czechoslovakian syllables. Then everything went silent and within a glance we connected. I was about to tell you my Twin Souls Theory, but you had to leave. You had to pee. And I had to go feed croutons to the squirrel.
2 - Instant Celebrity - Alone, you may be the Queen of Erotica, and I may be the King of Bestdamnsellers, but together we could be Gods. We could rule all Entertainment. We could keep other celebrities as pets. I could hire Christopher Walken to be your personal butler. We’ll just tell him its an independent film, his last chance for an oscar, and he’ll be your fetch-monkey. Salma Hayek can do our laundry. Megan Fox would worship you instead of Angelina Jolie. She would lose the tattoo, and get implants. Can you imagine Megan Fox with massive breasts? We could put her in our foyer, like a plant, and show her off at dinner parties, and all your guests would say, “Oh My... Denise, you have such lovely taste in plants. Having Megan Fox, with massive breasts, posed in that corner, really brings your foyer all together. Does she do any tricks?” And you will say, “No, no. she’s just for decoration.” And then we all will go and eat the fancy soup.
3 - Hollywood Immortality - Just for you, Denise Milani, I will write the greatest novel of all time, with the most powerful female hero of all time, with the most powerful climax of all time, and when Hollywood begs me for the movie rights, I will only sell it to a director who is not lame, and only on the condition you get to play the lead. Then it will be the greatest movie of all time, and you will become immortal. In fact, the novel I’m working on right now has this much potential. If you marry me, you could be in pre-production within eighteen months. And in five hundred years, no one will remember Shakespeare, but all the little boys and girls on Mars will still be talking about your fantastic talents.
4 - Absolute Security - I’m not going to publicly reveal my personal income, because I don’t give a fuck about money and neither do you, but I will say that I make just a little over a hundred million a year, so you won’t have to work if you don’t want to. If you do want to work, I can provide job security. If you want to be a nurse, I’ll buy you more than the outfit, I’ll buy you a hospital. I can provide personal security. If you ever find yourself with a stalker, I can hire a team of ex-navy-seals to ship his sorry ass to Uganda. I can provide health security. I own an entire network of health, fitness, and holistic dance professionals. I can provide beauty security. If you want to look twenty-seven forever, I’ll invest in pharmaceutical research and find the cure for aging. I can provide emotional security. I’ll tell you every day about your pretty places. I’ll snuggle you after ejaculation. I’ll buy you a pair of cute little puppies to affectionately lick your breasts. I can provide spiritual security. If you want to create a charity for poor lost blind Czechoslovakian orphans, I have a checkbook filled with blank checks. If there’s a kind of security you want that I haven’t mentioned, just name it, and its yours. It’s all part of my package.
5 - 50,000sqft Condo - I own the building. Ten floors, and underground parking. Five thousand square feet per floor, each floor with its own purpose. Asian garden. Movie theater. Two-story indoor gymnasium with all equipments. One floor I have set aside to be your own personal 5000sqft sexy outfit and shoe closet. Game room. Living room. Kitchen / dining room. Office / library. Bedroom. Plus, I have a rooftop pool inside a greenhouse where I grow my own organic fruits, vegetables, herbs, and goat.
6 - Flying Limousine - I’ll buy you a flying car for the little traditional wedding trinket. It will seat six, and come with a pilot/driver. A shiny black one. He can take us anywhere we want, vertical take-off and landing, 500mph. A divided cabin, for whenever we want privacy to drink or fuck or watch a movie in the back seats. We could buy villas all over the world, even an island with native pygmy servants. The cute part is, with my writing schedule, I only have to work three hours per day. The rest of the time it’s all sex, baby!
7 - Chef/Photographer - Before I became a bestdamnselling author, I studied cooking at the CIA. I own my own five-star restaurant, and am widely considered one of the top ten best chefs of all time. So it’s like you’ll have your own gourmet cafe in your pocket, with every course perfected to your own personal taste. And since cooking got me into food photography, which got me into artistic photography, I have also taken private lessons with some of the best photographers in the world. And my artistry with a camera almost equals my artistry with a skillet, tongue, or typewriter. So if you want me to make a fresh strawberry coulis, drizzle it over your breasts, and snap a pixley... You will taste sweet and look 100% Hot Hottie. I’ll even lick you clean for free. And that’s a JHHK Guaranty.
8 - Incredible Cock - It’s true. I have a 12” cock. 10” asleep, 12” awake. My cock is in proportion to my body in the same way your breasts are in proportion to yours hotness. I’m 32, 6’7”, 230#, 12% bodyfat. My cock curves to the left, I package it on the right, and I have named him Clive. I can type with my cock. In fact, I make a point of typing the first sentence of all of my novels with my cock, just to set the fucking tone. You may think I speak about my cock excessively, but I can’t help it. It is excessive. It’s the way I was made. When I introduce you to Clive, you should ask him if he does any tricks. Because he does. His favorite is this: For the first time in your life, when you’re really fucking, and you shout “Deeper!” you will know how it feels to have that desire fulfilled.
9 - Breast Sex - It’s the best sex. You know it and I know it. You haven’t had sex with that many guys, but they all disappointed you. When they fucked your tits, you couldn’t see it, and you couldn’t feel it. With me, breast sex will be perfect. I have long arms. When I’m on top of you and I’m fucking your huge lubricated boobs, not only will you be able to see the tip of my cock, you’ll be able to lick it. My fingertips will be teasing your shiny wet clit. This is why all women want to marry authors. Dexterity. Who on earth is going to be better in bed than the guy who works every day with his fingers, the guy whose profession is to stimulate the imagination. When you hear Bestdamnselling Author, think Bestdamnfemaleorgasm Artist. We both know you and I both want for me to fuck your tits and ejaculate on your face while you tremble beneath me. Let’s accept it, respect it, and fucking enjoy it. With my cock and your tits, bliss is unavoidable.
10 - Unstoppable Babies - It’s the nature of the human condition. Guys and girls both like to squirt. Guys pop babyjuice, girls pop babies. I’m not a dumb tool. I don’t fear commitment, I don’t fear family units. You want to spawn the future from your loins, I will impregnate you on demand. I am known for my fertility. You want all girls, I will focus on breasts during the moment of ejaculation, and we’ll have three daughters. You want one lesbian, I will think about lesbian spank orgies while I spew forth my genetics. Can you imagine what our daughters will be like, with your beauty and my genius. They will be unstoppable babies. They will literally redefine cuteness. As adults, they will be world-changers. Seriously, I believe our impressively-breasted hot lesbian scientist will, at an inconceivably young age, unlock the secrets of space-time. Or invent the perfect grape.
11 - True Love - Everyone who knows me, everyone who reads my books, everyone knows I am anchored to truth. It’s what I do. That’s why it’s called Fiction. The fictionist speaks the deeper truth, the blunt truth, the lean and brutal truth, the big cock truth, the fuck-me-fuck-me-fuck-me-hard truth. So if I write, “Denise Milani, you slinky tease, the love we share is true and everlasting.” Then it’s as true as anything you will ever read. Come with me. Drink my wine, take off your panties, pet my squirrel. Let us be marry.
12 - No Prenup - This is a genuine proposal. This isn’t some fake Hollywood stunt, like some c-list celebrity pissing for attention. We get married, there will be no prenup. We get married, we will be together forever, during bad sex, and for good, in wet sex, and dry. There is no fear. This is our time. If you were to travel through space-time to meet every guy who ever lived, past, present, or future, you will find no one more impressive than me, no one more worthy of fucking, no one whose cock you would rather swallow. I don’t care that I speak American and you speak European. Love is 100% physical. It’s our boobs and our balls that define us. Our differences make us whole. I met you at that party that time. I have looked at all of your pics on the internet, paying special attention to the ones with visible nipple. I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level. If you are ready to marry me, and live happily ever after, with lots of sex and babies, you may contact me via my author blog to say, “Yes, yes, God yes!”