JHHK: My official position, as a Guru of Manliness, is that 1000IU of Vitamin D per day is a good solution for men interested in fucking hot girls. The Sunshine Vitamin reduces anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. It increases testicular fortitude, and ballsack elasticity. You can get all the Vitamin D you need by walking around in the sun for ten minutes. You can also take micro-tablets, if you don’t like leaving the bat cave. But if you go the supplement route, keep in mind it takes six weeks for the body to become genuinely badass. When you’re chatting up a hottie, tell her your guru has you experimenting with Vitamin D, and that you’re doing Holistic sex research, on allowing girls to achieve full-body orgasms. Believe me, once you drop the H-bomb on a hottie, she will pair-bond to your cock.

GG33EE: Titsex is cake. I like to make it, but not eat every day. In this case, the ejaculate is warm white-chocolate ganache, which I like squirted on my face. But don’t fuck my boobs rough. I’m still a lady. Boobs are tender, and huge boobs, while padded, are still sensitive, especially during blood week. All of that said, real men deserve titsex, at least once a month. Just use lots of buttercream.

RP9: Jack, I will give you ten dollars if you write a thriller about zombie pornstars who suck out men’s brains through their cock. I will give you fifteen dollars if it has an excessive use of rocket launchers.

P-FU: This is about Harry Potter, correct? What movie are we on, five, seven? I don’t recall. I got confused because Emma Watson, who is like 18 or 19, claims she wants to strip nude for the director who got Liv Tyler and Eva Green hot and naked and hot, but I’m pretty sure I haven’t yet seen her naked (I don’t count the upskirt). My point is, fuck Harry Potter, if I went to go see it, I would just be like, why the fuck is she still not naked? If I wanted to watch a G-rated LOTR rip-off, I would wait for that shit on bluray, because she’s 19 and getting older, and there’s a short goddamn window of opportunity here.

OBB: The Boob Ponders. Should The Boob break the tie? It has been decided. The Boob will flowchart. If science can find a way to put Vitamin D in bacon, then Vitamin D wins. If not, and your girl is impressively breasted (and not lame) then titsex wins. My girl has breasts the size of apricots and I can only lick them on alternate Thursdays. We think Harry Potter is quality disposable entertainment, but I’m going to have to go with Zombies, because the undead is like, John Malkovich, and, yes, John Malkovich can be killed, but he will always turn up, batshit-insane, in movie after movie. Seriously, google “malkovich the truth”, he was born Louis Lumier in Bacon, France, in 1864. He shaved his head and changed his name to Malkovich when he was four. The man eats brains.