1. The Instant Erection Test. Stories, like hot women, live or die in the first 30 seconds. The beginning of TKR is like going to your aunt’s house for holiday dinner and finding out everything is made out of soy. The beginning of GTA IV is like getting invited to a supermodel gang bang.
2. Writers Are Not Heroes. And stories are about heroes. If the main character is a writer of any kind, expect to watch a story about a guy sitting around doing nothing his whole life except occasionally acting pretentious.
3. Flashbacks Suck Worse Than A Three Dollar Hooker On Crack. The audience cares what happens next. Not what happened 37 years ago that made some guy a boring lame. Don’t believe me? Then the next time you’re about to have sex with a hottie, stop and put your cock away, and talk about your childhood for a few hours instead.
4. Propaganda Is Not Entertainment. TKR is about ignorant liberal socialites throwing away disposable income to vicariously befriend the poor, troubled, dark-skinned children of the war. GTA IV is about taking a break from the main quest, watching some late night TV, and learning that when Paris Hilton goes club hopping she carries a small dog with her in her pussy.
5. Great Dialogue Is How Real People Talk, Minus The Boring Parts. Yes, GTA IV does have some videogamey dialogue, but I’d still rather listen to that than most novely dialogue. TKR dialogue seems like (a) the novelist never leaves his house, and (b) he likes his characters so much he forgot to edit out the boring parts.
6. The Anus Is Not A Mangina. Yes, I’m talking to you, Kite Runner. Now I don’t know if little boy butt sex is an Afghan delicacy. Maybe that’s how they put the porn in Torture Porn. But if I’m the villain's henchman, and I have to frequently watch him enforce the Ass Tax, I think I would consider a change of careers. The worst you can say about GTA IV is that sometimes the female prostitutes are fat.
7. Afghanistan Is Boring. If you don’t have enough plot, at least put some variety into the setting. GTA IV has all the different parts of New York. TKR has sand, sand, that generic third-world look, and more sand.
8. Sex Scenes Are Necessary To The Story. In GTA IV when I feed my girlfriend greasy fried chicken and take her back to her place to put my cock in her mouth, the screen switches to an exterior shot, my hottie moans, but I really do feel like my cock is in her virtual mouth. And if I want to see skin I can just get a lap dance at a strip club. If TKR even had a love interest, she was so forgettable that I already forgot her. The only weak point in GTA IV is that they forgot to include virtual nipples. Whoever made the final decision to show no nipples (in a game with an excess of sex, violence, and profanity) is a fucking coward, whose balls, like the grinch, are two sizes too small.
9. It’s Called Cartoon Villain Awareness Syndrome. Both GTA IV and TKR have cartoon villains. The difference is that Rockstar knows they made a toon, whereas TKR’s author has somehow fooled himself into thinking he created a Real Human Being. But I’m going to cut him some slack and just chalk it up to Debut Novel Syndrome.
10. Catharsis Is The Money Shot. People consume entertainment product because it helps them unleash violent emotions. Show of hands... What makes you feel more free. Watching the gentle flying of a kite? Or shooting a stupid parking ticket cop in the nuts with a rocket launcher?
10 Reasons Why GTA IV Has Better Writing Than The Kite Runner
