Baby turtles. They boil billions of baby turtles in pressurized nine-hundred-degree water for about twenty minutes, then put the pot in a super-refrigerator. The mixture cools to form three separate layers, the soup, the wax, and the gassy layer of baby turtle souls. The wax is the only substance that allows objects to be polished, the soul-gas is used as the base for almost all perfumes, to which the scents are infused, and the soup is freeze-dried and fed to all the children in third world countries. In fact, turtle wax is so important to our planet that when it was first invented, the the first boiled baby turtle was awarded the Noble Peace Prize, for keeping all our cars shiny, for keeping all our hot women smelling sweet, and for keeping the entire continent of Africa from dying and sinking into the sea. So the next time you’re walking down the street, and you spot a baby turtle on the side walk, don’t stop, and make a wish, and stomp it with you heel, splattering its flesh into the cement. Because that would hurt American, and possibly bring about the ending of the world.
Is Turtle Wax Made Of Turtles?
