In 1785 an innkeeper named Dummling Task engaged to marry one of his neighbor’s daughters, the ugliest. He negotiated a dowery of 50 acres, 10 pounds of gold, and assorted livestock, one of which was a plump yellow goose. They say that on his wedding night he drunk himself witless in order to find the courage to copulate with such an ugly girl. Halfway through, the girl had fallen asleep, and the alcohol had worn off, so he grabbed the goose instead. He humped the thing to death as he stared out the window, watching his neighbor’s most beautiful daughter, who was bathing nude by candlelight. He did this every night for months, until the entire village ran out of geese and put together an exploratory committee. They found the mass grave buried underneath a fake rutabaga patch. A jury of his peers took one look at the girl, and sentenced Dummling to receive one firm slap on the wrist (so that’s where that came from too). Eventually the story became a cautionary tale, passed on from sex offender to sex offender, with the moral being: just don’t get caught.
Who Actually Historically Fornicated The Golden Goose?
